


If I Had Only Known

by BedazzledDiana



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-21 15:21:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30023799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BedazzledDiana/pseuds/BedazzledDiana
Summary: Two weeks since Andrew DeLuca was pronounced dead and all Levi can do is stare at the tv.
Relationships: Nico Kim/Levi Schmitt
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	If I Had Only Known

_Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault. Your fault._ Levi’s thoughts screamed at him. He sat on the couch in Jo’s apartment, staring at the tv. His eyes were puffy and red. His nails bit down to the nubs. It had been two weeks since DeLuca was pronounced dead and everything went back to as normal as it could in the midst of a pandemic. _Your fault. You should’ve questioned her, you should’ve stopped her. This is your fault. Your fault. Your fault. It’s your fault DeLuca is de-_

“Hey, weren’t you here when I left this morning?” Jo asked, walking into the apartment, pulling her mask off. Levi turned to look at her.

“Uh, yeah. I mean, I must’ve been.” He answered before turning back to the tv. Jo watched him for a minute before setting her stuff down and walking over to him.

“You, uh, you want me to turn the tv on, Levi?” She asked, staring at their reflections in the blank tv. Levi shook his head. “Levi-” She went to put a hand on his shoulder causing him to jump and turn to her. She retracted her hand. “Uh, when are you coming back to work.” He cleared his throat and turned back to the tv.

“I was thinking about having my residency transferred.”

Jo opened her mouth and closed it before sitting down next to him. “Transferring, your residency? Levi, why? Why would you wanna do that?”

“Doctor Grey is gonna wake up and when she finds out _I’m_ the reason DeLuca is dead, she-she,” He turned to Jo, tears in his eyes, “Jo, she-she’ll hate me. I-I don’t wanna be a constant reminder that DeLuca _could’ve_ lived. He-he could still be here if I had questioned that woman more, or if I had done _something_ different.” Jo took his face into her hands. 

“Meredith is not going to blame you. You had no idea. There’s no way you could’ve known. It’s not your fault.” She used her thumbs to wipe away tears that fell onto his face. “I get it. Andrew is gone and it sucks. It sucks so much, but, Levi, you cannot blame yourself. You can’t because you didn’t know. That-that’s like me blaming myself for Alex going back to Izzie because she had his babies. I didn’t know she had his kids and it’s not my fault.” Jo joked, smiling a little. Levi’s expression didn’t change from the same numb eyes he had for two weeks. He nodded and pulled out of her hands and turned back to the tv.

“I think I’ll talk to Chief Bailey about transferring. I’m sure there’s other hospitals looking for surgical residents in the middle of a pandemic.” His voice was monotone. Jo opened her mouth to speak, but all that came out was a sigh. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to stand up.

“I’m tired, we should go to bed.” He rested his head on her shoulder as she walked with him over to the bed. She let him lay down first and then laid down next to him. He rested his head on her chest. 

“Jo,” he started, “I’m sorry that-that I didn’t know Opal was a sex trafficker. I am so sorry.” Jo nodded and stroked his hair.

“I know.” She croaked as tears welled in her eyes. “I know, Levi.” She kissed the top of his head and before she knew it, she could hear him snoring. She soon found herself falling asleep.

The next day, Jo and Levi walked into the hospital. She had his hand tightly on hers forcing him to walk with her. They walked straight to Bailey’s office. Jo looked at Levi. “Are you sure, Levi? No one blames you for DeLuca and Meredith won’t either. Transferring your residency isn’t the onl-” He dropped her hand and knocked on Bailey’s door.

“Come in.” Was croaked out. Levi opened the door, leaving Jo outside. “Schmitt, I haven’t seen you since-'' _DeLuca died_. “Well I’m glad you showed up today. A couple more residents have quit and there are only a couple left.” Levi sat down across from her desk. “Schmitt-”

“You can, uh, add me to that list. I came here to talk about transferring my residency.” Bailey stared at him. His voice sounded rough. His eyes were puffy and red. _He’s been crying,_ she noted.

“Can I ask why, Schmitt?”

“Just… personal reasons.” He sighed, giving her a fake smile under his mask. Bailey nodded. 

“Can you work today, at least? Then I can get with Doctor Webber about transferring you.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Chief.”

“And why not?” Levi went silent. “Okay, then. Go get changed, you’re with Avery today, got it?” Levi nodded and stood up before leaving the room. Bailey sighed and watched him walk out. 

After he was dressed and found Jackson, he started going over some of his case files with him. Jackson speaking and him barely nodding. Jackson said something and Levi nodded before realizing he was asked a question. He looked from the tablet to Jackson.

“What did you say, Doctor Avery?” Levi asked, swallowing hard.

“I asked, ‘what have you been doing the last two weeks?’ You haven’t been here. Working, so what have you been doing? Partying it up?” It was meant to be humorful in the midst of all the chaos they’ve been through the last couple of weeks and Levi knew that. Levi gave Jackson a fake laugh. 

“Yep, totally. How’d you know, Doctor Avery?” Levi joked back and he watched as Jackson’s smile fell. 

“Schmitt, are you okay? That’s the most I’ve heard you talk since you’ve been here.” Levi opened his mouth. “Look, I get it. DeLuca’s death has been hard on all of us. I know you live with Jo, but if you ever need a break from pattern or someone to talk to, you can always come to me.” 

Levi nodded. “Thanks, but, I’m okay.” Jackson nodded and leaned in close to Levi.

“For the record, attendings talk. Jo talks to me, Nico talks to me.” Levi’s heart sank. Jackson leaned away. “Let’s go over Carly Jones again.” He said, looking at his tablet. Levi nodded and looked at his.

By four, Levi had called time of death twenty-three times. He sat in an on-call room with his head in his hands, his body shaking from his sobs. The door opening pulled him from his head. “Hey,” Nico greeted, shutting and locking the door behind him, “I didn’t know you were back until Jackson told me. You could’ve told me you were back.” 

“I’m-I’m not back. I’m-” Levi’s voice broke off into a sob and Nico was over next to him, holding him in a hug. “I’m having Doctor Webber or Bailey, whoever is supposed to do it, transfer my residency.” 

“Why? Isn't Grey-Sloan one of the best hospitals for residency in the country?” Nico asked, stroking his arm.

“Doctor Grey is gonna hate me, Doctor DeLuca probably already does, anyone else who finds out is probably also going to hate me.” Nico was silent.

“Levi, Levi, don’t do thi-?”

“It-it was my fau-fault DeLuca got stabbed.” Levi interrupted, his voice starting to break off into sobs. “The sex trafficker, Opal, she-they were chasing her. She-she was in the ER and I didn't do anyth-She was asking abo-ut the kidnapper and-and I-I di-didn’t think anything of-of it, but-but, oh, god, it-it’s my fault.” Levi shoved his face into Nico’s shoulder as his sobs shook both of their bodies. “I-I can-can’t take it back and-and I wish-I wish it was me because then DeLuca would st-ill be here and-and everything would be fine.” Nico moved from stroking Levi’s arm to stroking his back and placing small kisses to the top of his head.

“Levi,” Nico’s voice was soft and quiet, “no one is going to blame DeLuca’s death on you. You didn’t know. You couldn’t have known, okay?” Levi continued to shake with sobs. “And for the record, if it was you everything would _not_ be fine. _I_ wouldn’t be fine and I know Jo and Taryn wouldn’t be fine. And your mom, your mom wouldn’t be fine.” Levi continued to sob into Nico’s shoulder, barely listening to what he was saying.

Hours later, when Nico was leaving the hospital, he pulled out his phone and called Link. “Hey, daddy.” Nico joked into the phone.

 _“Hahahah. Wow, so funny, me laugh so much.”_ Link answered. “ _What do you need, Nico?_ ” He asked. Nico climbed into his car.

“What makes you think I’m not calling to see how you and Amelia are doing with the kids?”

_“Oh, well. Scout is asleep, Ellis is asleep, Bailey is playing some games before bed and Zola, Maggie, and Amelia are talking. I think Amelia and I finally have things down pat.”_

“That’s good. How’s Zola been doing since you guys told her about DeLuca?”

Link sighed. _“The first few days were hard, but she’s doing better now. I think it feels like she’s lost another dad, you know?”_ Nico nodded to himself. _“How are things at the hospital?”_

“It’s like walking around with a dark cloud around. Everything is dark and people don’t really talk about it. Levi came back today.”

_“That’s good. How’s he doing?”_

“He keeps saying it’s fault. He’s still blaming himself and I figured that when he took time off, it was because he was going to get better, but Jo said all he’s been doing is sitting, staring at the tv. She says he barely talks to her and he just stares past _everything_. And I want to help him, I do, but I-Link, I may be out of my depth.”

Bailey groaned and opened her laptop to call Ben on Zoom. He answered with a smile. _“Hello, beautiful.”_ She sighed. _“Rough day?”_ He asked.

“Yet another one of my surgical residents requested to be transferred. So…”

_“Oh, no. Who now?”_

“Schmitt.” She answered. Ben was silent for a minute. Just staring at her. “What?”

_“Did he say why?”_

“Personal reasons.” Ben went silent again. “Okay, what, what, Ben?”

 _“Well, okay, so the night before DeLuca was stabbed, Schmitt treated a woman, who told him she was mugged. He sent her on her way after he treated her and that woman was the woman Andrew was following. And, well, he almost went into a panic attack when he found out. He’s probably blaming himself. Miranda, please, don’t let him transfer.”_ Bailey sighed and leaned back in her chair. 

The next day, Levi walked into Bailey’s office with the residency transfer form in his hands. He looked around the room and saw Bailey, Webber, Nico, Jo, and someone he didn’t know. “Wh-”

Bailey interrupted him. “This is Doctor Jane Wallace. She is a psychiatrist that you’re going to be seeing for the next few weeks. It has been brought to my attention by multiple people that your mental health took a decline over the last couple of weeks.”

“We’re in the middle of a pandemic, everyone’s-”

“Ben brought it to my attention last night that you treated Opal, the woman who DeLuca was following. He said you had almost spiraled into a panic attack. This morning I also received a phone call from Doctor Lincoln who said he and Doctor Kim were also concerned for you. While you were meeting with Doctor Webber to get that form,” Bailey gestured to the one in his hands, “Doctor Wilson also mentioned the same concern and before her? Doctor Avery also addresses some concern”

“Schmitt, we just want you to feel safe. Doctor Wallace is going to help with that, you'll be doing hospital mandates therapy.” Richard smiled at Levi, underneath his mask. “I understand placing the blame on yourself for a situation you had no control over, but you can’t. There’s nothing you could’ve done differently.” Nico walked over to Levi and grabbed his hands. Levi looked at him. 

“I love you. We’re gonna get through this together. The three of us, right, Jo?”

“Absolutely. We’re gonna get through this.” Jo nodded. Levi looked at Nico, then Jo, then Bailey and Webber. Tears formed in his eyes. Nico pulled him into a hug as he started to cry. Jo walked over to him and hugged him too.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not quite coming back to my other fics yet, still have a lot of personal matters going on, but after Thursday's episode, I felt like I had to write something lol


End file.
